Starbucks is like a 

                                                                                             

danceless, daytime, non-

                                                

alcoholic pickup bar . . .

                                                                                                  

at roughly the same cost!

                                                                                                                        

     Take a shower; wash, dry and fix your hair; shave; brush your teeth; gargle; deodorize. Grab your cell and notebook (cellphone and laptop computer, for the old folks!), sling your elbow-patched jacket over your shoulder (or tie your little cardigan around your little bare, bellybutton-ring-enhanced waist), hop into your freshly-washed and aroma-therapied car, and head on down to Starbucks to do a little work . . . or at least to give the appearance of doing something important.  Oh, and remember $20 for some coffee!

     Am I missing something here?  Okay, I always did officework in my office, schoolwork at home or in the library, but I can understand the need to expand one’s horizons a bit and have a more active backdrop than a window-view of brick or, heaven forbid, a TV screen, but Starbucks? 

     Starbucks is like a danceless, daytime, non-alcoholic pickup bar . . . at roughly the same cost!  And, to top it all off, you can be Democrat or Republican (but you’re probably an artsy-crafty screaming liberal); you can be gay or straight (or leaning); and you can get totally whacked on caffeine (without being embarassed at having to carry a 6-pack of Red Bull in the baggy sidepockets of your painter’s pants).  Whoa, and DUICS (Driving Under The Influence of Caffeine from Starbucks) is legal!

     So just meander on in, claim a tabletop space for your gear, then get in line behind some perverted coffeeholic who’s taking twenty minutes to order a Grande (so what happened to “large”?) peppermint pumpkin spiced skimmed-milk mocha latte with two and a half shots of peach espresso, one-half shot of amoretta reserve espresso, a squirt of alfalfa honey and three spritz’s of lowfat vanilla, with whipped cream.  Cha-ching, cha-ching, you’re thinking; this baby will run about $37 without a spoon for the whipped cream! 

     Oh, and, let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve heard the details of this request be bantered back and forth and “checked on” eleven times.  This is usually a good time to head for the bathroom without worrying about losing your place in line.

     So, okay, you finally get your overkill coffee and return to claim your seat, which has now been muscled in on by four people who decided to commandeer your table and work around your gear.  “Oh, sorry, Dude.  (or Dear)  We didn’t think you were coming back, y’know?  Do you want us to like move or something?”

     Game Over!  You lose!  You picked an idiot to get behind in line and you’re simply not up to battling four people for the table.  Time to call it a day.  But, no problem; you can just sit in your car and drink the hot mud, and be thankful you still have $13 left; that’s like a decent bottle of wine, right?

     So, next time, skip Starbucks; play your own game!  Stay dirty, dress sloppy, spend $1.50 for WAWA coffee (it’s better anyway), and go to the library to work.  Then you can get an $18.50 bottle of wine and just go to your room and drink and sleep.   halalpiar   

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