OK, so now you’re

knee-deep in self-control

     So, what’s next?  Well, now that you have a firm grip on yourself and total control of all those latent late night and early morning temper tantrums, what’s next on the agenda? How about some practical how-to stuff for defusing OTHER people’s anger? Oh, joy!

     First off,  you’re not likely to get an angry associate, employee, friend or family member to instantly calm down just because you can now wave printouts of this blog site at her or his face and point out that the angry feelings are a CHOICE. Right. That’ll get you a subway fare to Madison Square Garden and a sharp stick in the eye.

     What then can I do, oh Anger Guru? What then can I do?  You can START by really paying close attention to the person who’s angry and by listening carefully to what’s being said. To begin, when we lose sight of the present moment and make a conscious or unconscious choice to feel angry about something or at someone, our brains take us rushing into a past who-did-what-to-whom accounting of past wrong-doings OR into an imagined scenario that hasn’t yet happened (and may never)!

     The goal then is to try to help the individual who is angry to come back to the reality of each passing moment as it passes,  to be focused on the here and now. BUT, unless you’re a shrink (and especially if the rampaging bull is wielding some instrument of destruction), it may be in your best interests to simply pretend you’re a rock. Assuming though that the anger is something less than maniacal in measurement, consider the following:

1)  Ask the other person if they would be good enough to please slow down the torrent of complaints long enough for you to be able to write them down on paper so that you can give serious thought to solving each problem (or addressing each issue) one at a time. [Then do proceed to write down each point as a separate item on a list]

2)  Ask the angry individual to help you prioritize each of the items listed so that you can number them as 1: First most important to take care of, 2: Second most important to take care of, 3: Third most important to take care of, etc., etc.

3)  Attack the items in order of the ranking by paraphrasing what was said about each (i.e., “Now let’s see, if I understand you correctly” or “Do I understand you correctly to mean that when Mary pulled John’s toupee off, he reached for it and she went to bite his hand but her dentures fell into the mixing vat and got processed into the pickle jars that were just loaded on the truck that left twenty minutes ago? Is that what you’re saying?”

Repeat and paraphrase until the angry person agrees 100% with your understanding of what the upset is all about, then complete that with a positive comment: “Good. I’m glad I understand this.”

4)  Ask for help in resolving the issue at hand, or at least provide some alternative action options for the angry person to consider.

     Be consistently and pleasantly adult-like and rational and logical and unemotional throughout.  This may be harder than it sounds, but if you’ve done steps 1-4 above, odds are you will already have effectively taken the wind out of the sails and restored some calm and order. As you proceed through the list, items will simply dissolve.     

# # #

You Suck Eggs!

Yeah, well suck THIS: I QUIT!

You can’t quit; You’re Fired!

     You KNOW that the mainstream media lie.  You know the economy isn’t getting better. You know because you see your sales performance. You know because you’ve had to make lousy cutback choices you hate.

     So you’re irritable.  Your fuse is getting shorter. You’re ready to jump down the nearest throat. And the last thing you want to hear is for somebody to tell you to chill! 

     Okay, sometimes it’s hard  to realize that your angry upset feelings are a choice. And sometimes you just want to steamroller over it anyway. You’ve just read 10 sentences of negative thinking.

     Here:  http://halalpiar.com/2009/05/4-steps-in-one-minute-zero-stress/  Try this one-minute diversion for something positive. Go ahead. I’ll wait for you. You’ll be glad you did. Click on it for a 60-second visit, then come back!

     You did it or you “copped out”?  You know what? Where your business, your family, your friendships –and frankly anyone you encounter– comes into play, you really can’t afford to not take advantage of every opportunity to get yourself into, and consistently demonstrate a positive frame of mind.

     Angry feelings ARE a choice.  Deep breathing DOES serve to reduce stress and de-fuse anger. The point is that unless you are monitoring yourself (especially if you’re the boss). no one else is going to do it for you!

     The old saying that it takes two to tango hovers in a holding pattern over ill intentions.  It’s ALWAYS the boss’s job to back off. Real leaders back off. There’s a time to charge forward but not when it involves stampeding over others you are responsible for leading. You are the one who must de-fuse situations… hard to do when your own is sizzling!

     There’s no challenge in accelerating anger.  There’s no intelligence in accelerating anger. There’s no taking back the words or tools used in accelerating anger. There’s no leadership in accelerating anger. There’s no integrity in accelerating anger. There’s only stupidity.

     Why?  Because –and I can promise you this– it will ALWAYS come back to haunt you, perhaps when you least expect it and when it can do you the most personal and / or business harm, but rest assured it WILL come back to haunt you.

     All that having been said,  it’s hard to imagine anyone dumb enough to do it anyway, right? Wrong! Wrong because anger is probably at least half the time an UNconscious choice, capable of rearing its ugly head in the most innocent of circumstances.

     The ounce of prevention  then has to do with making sure you literally surround yourself with positive thinking, positive people, positive statements as much of the time as possible, keep a “here and now” focus as much of the time as possible … and remember to breathe!

# # #               

“As a man thinketh, so is he.”

— THE OLD TESTAMENT

“You become

what you think about.”

— EARL NIGHTINGALE

     Don’t roll your eyes  and raise your sarcasm to a fever pitch until you try it. If you REALLY try it with your whole heart and soul and a burning desire, you will prove that initial resistance attitude wrong. All wrong.

You will do it IF YOU WILL DO IT! 

     And what do you guess  is the only thing that can keep you from doing it, from becoming what you think about? Well, now, if you know me, you can probably guess the answer.

     If you’re a new or infrequent visitor to this blog, you may not know that I constantly bang away at the realization you may want to consider (that behavioral science studies have proven conclusively) that all human behavior is a conscious or unconscious choice.

     If you pretend  that you are unable to become what you think about (now, I do mean really and truly brainwash yourself, and mercilessly drive yourself to the finish line, vs. a token ten-minute or ten-hour or ten-day or ten-week or ten-month commitment), then you must know that “un-ableness” is a behavior.

… and doesn’t that then make it a conscious or unconscious choice? 

Of course it does.

So why doesn’t EVERYone make the choice to become what she or he thinks about?

A)  Most people don’t choose to realize it’s a choice.

B)  Many people don’t choose to accept that it’s a choice, and

C)  Even those who do choose to realize and accept that the behavior of becoming what you think about is a choice choose to make it hard for themselves for that to happen.

— ————————

     It’s just as easy, often easier in fact,  to consciously choose for a behavior to be easy as it is to consciously or unconsciously choose for it to be hard.

     So, let’s suppose you’re on the hunt  for a relationship (love or business makes no difference to the process) or perhaps some massive amount of income. And if you’ve ever hunted anything, you know that it requires complete and total focus to be successful.

     So, how important to you is what you’re seeking?  If it’s genuinely worth it, turn on the charm and 1) think yourself succeeding, 2) think yourself succeeding, 3) think yourself succeeding as much as you can, every minute, every hour, every day.

     You must see yourself  in your mind’s eye enjoying your reward. Don’t want to do all that? Then you’re not serious about it, so just go back to that can of beer and your spider solitaire game, or TV football or soap opera, and call it a day. Oh, and stop torturing yourself with promises to do better. Just accept that becoming what you think about is a choice that you don’t choose to make.

     If you’re willing to choose  to accept the challenge of thinking yourself into success, however and you’re ready to choose to go for it, and pursue what you want even through the miserably low periods you’re certain to encounter (because we can’t control everything that’s outside of our minds), then do it. And call or email me to tell me about it.

     The people who believe all this are the ones who have done it. That alone should be a message! 

# # #

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Hal@Businessworks.US or 302.933.0116

 “The price of freedom is eternal vigilance!” [Thomas Jefferson]

Thanks for visiting. Go for your goals. God Bless You.

Make today a GREAT day for someone!

When You Can’t Get +

Don’t Settle For –

     We are all humans  (I believe; at least my blog diagnostics don’t show quality visits here from Animal Planet — or any other planet, for that matter!) and because we are (human), it is part of our pattern of emotional instincts that when we cannot get positive recognition, we settle for ANY kind of recognition, and will sometimes resort to seeking NEGATIVE recognition when nothing else is forthcoming.

     Negative recognition  is, after all, better than no recognition at all, right? Wrong! Unless of course you happen to be 3 years-old … or a manic-depressant … or a masochist … or a hermit … or a piece of broccoli! 

     Aha!  But many of us ACT 3 years-old when we are not getting pats on the back (or fanny, if you’re on a sports team; or on your knee or the back of your hand if you’re a patient … why do doctors always pat reassurance into your knee or back of your hand?) This is true for sure.

     The point is  that seeking negative recognition is a mentally unbalanced and emotionally unhealthy behavior. Consider if you will that those who make a practice of this, are those who frequently prompt wars, fights, arguments, teenage “groundings” (remember those?), military court-marshals, disciplinary actions, prejudice, divorce, abandonment, murder, jail terms, HIGH risk!

     When we can’t get positive recognition  for something we’ve done or said or thought, we have a tendency to turn in the direction of seeking some alternative (vs. just letting it go, because letting go is life’s most difficult task!) In other words, we drag ourselves down to the point where getting verbally bashed actually serves as a payoff!

     Yeah, right;  poor me; I really did screw up; I deserve all the criticism; beat me! (HA!HA! At least I finally got myself noticed!) Hey, folks: this is a sick mental/emotional state that calls for professional guidance. We all take it on the chin sometimes, but when someone is out seeking to take it on the chin, there’s a problem there.

     If that someone is you, get help! If it’s someone who works for you, get that person help. Having to evidence negative behavior to get noticed (ala temper tantrums) can end up costing your your business, lickity-split! It only takes one knife-blade, one bullet, one match!

     Remember all behavior is a choice.

     Some people get stuck not realizing or practicing that. Sometimes a professional is the best one to get that behavior UNstuck. 

     Oh, one other thought,  be more conscious of how important positive recognition is to 99.99% of all employees (and children) and make a practice of dishing it out a whole lot more than you probably think is needed or appropriate. It’s hard to offer too much

# # #

What’s Your T-Shirt Say?

Would you agree that when you’re at the top of your game and performing at your best, that the business you own or manage improves?

Would you agree that your business reaps the benefits of your attitude and performance with improved productivity, enhanced reputation and increased sales?

Of course it does, so how do you overcome the plateful of daily garbage in front of you and get yourself to that point?

     One solution  that has worked for thousands of participants in management training  workshops I’ve run:  Try designing your own T-Shirt!  No, you need not be artistic. You need only be honest with yourself.

Take 3 minutes to follow these 6 steps:

1.  DRAW  (assuming you do still own a pen or pencil) and label 3 blank T-shirts (“A” “B” and “C”) on that piece of scrap paper that’s sitting by your monitor.

2.  IMAGINE  that the 3 T-Shirts are real and that each has some word or words and/or some image or images on it that represent YOU . . .

A.  The way you used to be

B.  The way you are right now.

C.  The way you want to be.

3.  NOW FILL IN  the blank space on the front of each shirt with each A, B, and C message.

4.  STEP BACK  and ask yourself what each message means and what each communicates?

5.  OKAY, NOW ASK YOURSELF  why you are at B instead of C? What’s holding you back? (FYI, Odds are it is something you are consciously or unconsciously choosing.)

6.  WHAT CAN YOU DO  now (tonight, this morning, this afternoon) to be able to wear the “C” message on your T-Shirt right now? What is it that you need to choose differently? (Are you choosing to delay yourself? It’s just as easy to choose action now!)

# # # 

Are You Ahead Of Your Time?

     As a fledgling  and occasionally sarcastic business professor in 1974, I made two predictions to my marketing students:

1)  The day will come when  some opportunistic HBA (Health & Beauty Aids) company (aren’t they all?) posing as a pharmaceutical firm (don’t they all?) will launch a big new product splash into the marketplace, announcing the revolutionary new “BEHIND THE KNEES DEODORANT AND ANTI-PERSPIRANT” for those embarrassing odors associated with leg draping over the edge of a seat while sitting (imagine the booming market for drivers!). Okay, hasn’t happened yet, but — as they say at the NY Lottery — “Hey! Ya’Neva know!”

2)  The day will also come when  we will all have microchips  (which only barely existed then and, those that did, probably held 10 pages worth and were maybe the size of a half-dollar) embedded in our foreheads  that will allow us to tune-in to any TV or radio station, play any album (33’s and 8-tracks at that time) and call or answer any call — without a phone — by simply thinking of the person or organization we wanted contact with. Uh, this too hasn’t yet happened … yet … but …

     Truth is  that if you’re thinking about stuff like this, I hope you are either an independently wealthy entrepreneur, a scientist being paid to drum up challenges for some corporate R&D department, or a sicko mental case.

     Being ahead of your time  is a waste of time. It is also like a tip-toe through Disneyland because it is mega-fantasy … because it is not here, now; so it is not reality.

     Excursions into fantasyland  can occasionally be helpful — as in underscoring a point with a class full of marketing students. But if you’re running a business, run the business!

     The farther you drift  away from what’s right in front of your face on a day-to-day basis, the farther your bottom line will drift away. And with today’s econ… got the drift?

     Pay attention to  the customer, the employee, the referrer, the supplier who is looking at you, speaking with you, emailing you, Twittering you right this minute! Success is the journey, not the destination! 

     Don’t stop dreaming,  just save it for when you go to bed!

# # # 

So you had bad toilet training

as a child. So what?

     Imagine what this world would be like  without hidden agendas. Okay, maybe you can’t change the world. Imagine what your business would be like without hidden agendas? Your life?

“Man is not totally at the mercy of either his heredity or his environment, He can modify both.” It starts with increasing “a person’s awareness of the real power he has to direct his own life, to make decisions, to develop his own ethical system, to enhance the lives of others, and to understand that he was born to win.” 

Excerpts from the Preface of BORN TO WIN by Muriel James and Dorothy Jongeward

     Here’s the deal:  Psychological “game-playing” (often unconsciously provoked) has been defined by psychology icons Dr. Eric Berne and Dr. Frederick Perls as a series of transactions or communication exchanges (often repetitive) with a hidden motive or agenda.

     These “game” exchanges,  which may seem innocent and perfectly rational on the surface, can have extremely destructive mental and emotional consequences. “They prevent honest, intimate and open relationships” at home and on the job, say author/therapists James and Jongeward.

     They go on  to point out that we “wear many masks and have many forms of armor” that keep our true selves confined and unknown, even to ourselves. The possibility of encountering our own reality–learning about ourselves– can be “frightening and frustrating.”

     Many of us,  say James and Jongeward, “expect to discover the worst” when we set out on a path of self-exploration, “and a hidden fear lies in the fact that we may also discover the best.”

     To discover the worst  means we must “face the decision of whether or not to continue in the same patterns” of behavior, they say, and “To learn the best is to face the decision of whether or not to live up to it.”

     Because either discovery  may involve change, it is anxiety-provoking, which can be good or bad, depending on how we use the information and exercise the change.

     It all comes down to  making a conscious choice to learn more about what makes you tick so you can minimize game-playing, recognize it in others and not play, be better able to generally run a healthier more productive business… and experience a healthier and happier personal life in the process.

     What have you got to lose?  Finding out you had bad toilet training when you were three years-old? So what? Choose to make the reality of your present moment your focus, and watch the joy that comes to the surface, and stays! 

 # # #  

Input aways welcome: Hal@TheWriterWorks.com (”Businessworks” in    subject line) or comment below. Thanks for visiting. Go for your goals, good night and God bless you! halalpiar  

# # #

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 Did you let somebody

down this week?

Did someone have expectations that you would do justice to her or him, or to the task at hand…that you would turn in a stellar performance? And you bombed out?

By any chance, was that “someone” who anticipated greatness from you…was that you?

Regardless of whether you did yourself in, or let someone else down, the point is that you flubbed it, right? Badly? So badly that you hate reading this right now because just thinking about it gives you the guilties?

Step back. Get out of your own way for a minute. Take a deep breath and clear your brain. Now look at this again. We’re taught to aim high. Nothing wrong with that.

But if you screwed yourself, figuratively speaking of course, maybe it’s because you weren’t leaving room to be flexible about achieving an outcome?

Maybe you lost sightof the reality that you choose your behavior, that you choose your pursuits–even that you choose to feel guilty. Hmmm, that’s worth choosing to think about.

You didn’t fail anyone else because others don’t have the right to judge you based on expectations. Yeah, well, sounds good, I know, but it’s done every day, probably every minute of every hour. Reality says that more likely than not, it just seems that way.

So, how can you pull the rug out from under faulty assumptions? First don’t make any yourself! You already know about “assume” making an “ass” out of “u” and “me.” Recognize that expectations (which are usually based on assumptions) breed disappointment.

Unless you work at not having expectations and at not making assumptions, you will do both. Then comes failure to rise to the occasion. Then comes disappointment and then along comes guilt. You remember guilt?

      THE FIX:

• Keep conscious control of your unconscious mind by focusing on the present here-and-now moment each passing moment as much as you possibly can.
• Don’t waste energy dwelling on past fantasies that cannot be changed and don’t wast energy worrying about future fantasies that haven’t yet come, and may never.
• Do lots of deep breathing to relax muscles and make your mind more alert.
• Withhold judgements as much as possible. (And remember everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle!)
• Remember that assumptions, expectations and guilt feelings are all CHOICES, and that it’s just as easy to choose a positive attitude as it is to choose a negative one.

   # # #  

 Hal@TheWriterWorks.com or 931.854.0474  Thanks for visiting. 

Go for your goals, good night and God bless you!

Economic Tsunami?

 Don’t fight it. Float on it!

     There’s no doubt about it, financial stress can overwhelm even the best of business leaders. It takes an unwavering, cock-sure, impenetrable. positive attitude to stand tall while the walls are crumbling.

     Every business owner has been there. Some are getting it for the first time thanks to the economic environment, and–for those–the experience is numbing. How can it be? I’ve worked so hard. We deserve better than this?

     Probably true, but reality dictates that it doesn’t matter. Reality can be awfully cruel and horribly harsh, but reality is where we have to live if we are ever to turn things around. Fantasy is where the losers go.

     First and foremost, when the economic tsunami strikes your business, stop worrying about arranging the beach chairs. Get on anything that floats and plan to ride it out. Focus every waking moment’s energy on where you are, not where you’re going, or even worse, if you’ll get there.

     The more you pay attention to anticipating the other shoe drop, the more you are diverting productive energy and resources away from the places they are most required to ride out the storm, to innovate, to create new revenue streams, to smack yourself in the side of the head and start thinking in new ways.

     The more you worry about the other shoe, the less time, attention, effort, energy and positive forward motion you’ll have available to activate. This will result in the other shoe finding it’s way to thump on your ceiling lickity-split! 

      STOP draining your resources and energy with worry about future fantasy (It’s not here yet, and may never come). STOP draining your strength with dwelling on past screw-ups and who did what to whom (It’s over and past and there’s NOTHING you can do to change it).

START TUNING IN TO THE PRESENT HERE-AND-NOW MOMENT, EVERY PASSING MOMENT, AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN. IMMERSE YOURSELF IN THE PRESENT. LEARN FROM BABIES AND PUPPIES. 

 # # #  

Hal@TheWriterWorks.com or comment below.

Thanks for visiting. Go for your goals, good night and God bless you!

Are you professional, or

are you A professional?

     Many people are professional in mind, body, spirit and/or the ways they conduct themselves at work as employees of businesses that sell products and multi-provider services.

     For those who fit this description, congratulations, but you should probably hit the road here because –tonight– I am only interested in the other kinds of professionals… those who have nothing to sell except their personal knowledge and/or skill services.

     You know who you are because you’re still reading.

     You are a self-employed one-man-band or one woman-band.

You are a sole-practitionerdoctor, dentist, chiropractor, nurse practitioner, writer, painter, craftsperson, psychologist, designer, photographer, illustrator, teacher, consultant, lawyer, accountant, architect, “middleman” agent (individual insurance and real estate folks, for example), athlete, coach, massage therapist, physical therapist, speech pathologist, occupational therapist, musician, entertainer, computer guru. More? I’m sure I missed a few.  

     Here’s the economy deal we (I am a writer/consultant) are all struggling with:

• None of us have a warehouse full of products or, in fact, any inventory; None of us have a string of partners or bank of phone or computer operators.
• We can’t wake up, go to bed, or eat lunch with the rest of the world. Most of us work evenings and weekends. Sick days? Vacations? Huh?
• There is just so much of each of us to go around, and to make the most of on any given day, so the issue is not so much the economy as it is productivity. Is this ringing any bells?
• Productivity reduces itself to how we make the most of our time. Time management is an essential skill. Prioritizing is an essential skill. Money management is an essential skill. Creating new revenue streams is part of that.
• And, of course, stress management may be the most important of all skills because it allows us to do or prohibits us from doing all the rest.

     If you’re trapped in this vicious circle of having no time for time management, and too much stress for stress management, and you’re wound up trying to get water from a stone, STOP already! Take inventory of your SELF!

     It’s really okay to step back for 5 minutes of your life and think about where you are and where you’re going. Go ahead. I’ll wait. Start by taking some deep breaths:   http://halalpiar.com/2009/05/4-steps-in-one-minute-zero-stress/  [This 4-step, ONE-MINUTE technique works!]

     Good! Now, go look in the mirror, ANY mirror. If you are satisfied with what you see, get back to work, thank you for your time, and goodnight.

     If you don’t like the face staring back at you:  1) Start MAKING time for time management by tuning into priorities and asking for help (with anything you can ask someone for) to take away some of the time-eaters. 2)  WORK at your breathing until it’s not work!  3) Eliminate excuses.  4) Do it now! 5) Remember that your behavior is your choice.

# # #  

Input aways welcome: Hal@TheWriterWorks.com (”Businessworks” in    subject line) or comment below. Thanks for visiting. Go for your goals, good night and God bless you! halalpiar  

# # # 

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